Yogurt

There is no food that my kids seem to go gaga over more than yogurt. This is good because it is healthy. This is also bad because they are sneaky little monkeys who will sniff out any container like a K-9 unit. I have to hide it in the darkest recesses of the refrigerator lest it gets eaten all on the day I buy it. 

So the 5 yr old (not pictured since she was the offender) who was just "not feeling up to dinner" (big eye roll), disappears afterward mumbling something about getting socks for her feet. Fifteen minutes later I am hollering up the stairs to figure out what she is really up to. Finally I hear feet on the stairs when here she comes trying to sneak past me with an OPEN yogurt container before asking "can I have this?" No, the rule is, refusal to eat dinner means, NO snacks! I won't  bore you with all of the details but you can surely guess that there was a lot of whining, pouting, and foot stomping which eventually lands her an early bedtime. When I come back into the room, here is what I find:

Well, she did eat her supper at least.

Kitty Food

Why does the baby insist on eating the cat's food? I have put it up high - she climbs up to get it. I moved it to another room, she searched it out. She grazes on any stray bits of kibble like a fat man at an all you can eat buffet. The poor cat can't get a decent meal and has to look over his shoulder to see if it is safe to eat. The really gross part is that she doesn't actually consume it. She chews it up then comes running to me squawking and wants to spit it out into my hand. I never thought I would grow up to be a zoo keeper. 

Art

No, this one is not going up on the refrigerator. Because you drew on my sheets. 

So THAT'S What The Sticky Stuff Was

Where did those Christmas candy canes go? Oh, now I see. And thank you for touching every surface in the house including the computer keyboard, my cell phone, the television screen, oh and let's not forget - your hair.

My Hilarious Day

So, I am sure today will be one of those days that will seem hilarious in 10 or 15 years but right now I could run away from home and never look back. You be the judge.

Woke up. Checked Facebook. So far so good. Got girls up, went back downstairs, got the usual breakfast request. Went to kitchen, put together some food, fed children. Nothing unusual here. Fast forward.

Now its 11:30 am, approximately 15-20 minutes before we have to leave for preschool. Get on coats, shoes, gather backpack together. Grab keys - keys? Where are the keys? Girls, have you seen the keys? What? You are pointing to the heat register that doesn't have a cover since the contractor forgot to replace it the last time he worked. No, no, nonononononononooooooo! 

Okay, regroup. Girls, go upstairs to your room and play until Mama can figure this out. 

Crap, cannot feel keys or bottom of vent. CRAP! Okay, better check on girls. Who are not in their room as requested...

Walk into my bedroom and what do my wondering eyes behold? Baby covered from fingertip to wrists on both hands with petroleum jelly! And it is smeared on the bed, floor, and sheets too. What The Hell?!?!?! Get your ass in the bathroom! Wait, what is that in the....SHIT! A whole toilet bowl filled with turds - and I might add, no toilet paper so...."L" get your ass in here!!!! Did you use the toilet and not wipe, AGAIN?? 

"No Mama" - why did I even ask? Get out of those clothes and clean your butt! Move! Now back to cleaning up the greasy ointment covered baby, wha? Hey "L"! Did you just put your naked poop covered butt on my rug??? Yep! AHHHHH!  Okay, everyone into the tub!!! 

At this point I don't really remember what happened since there was so much wailing, cursing, and gnashing of teeth - quite a bit of it from me I must say. And I am still not sure what to do about these girls hair, no amount of washing seems to get out the petroleum jelly. Now they just look like stringy haired waifs. 

So to summarize:

Car, house, amd several other keys may or may not be lost in the heating ducts. Children are covered in a thin film of grease. We missed preschool and are trapped at home until either I tear open the wall or the keys turn up elsewhere - a possibility since you cannot trust the word of a 5 year old and the baby can barely talk at all. Again, I KNOW this will all seem hilarious at some point in the future, right?

What Happens When There Is No Television?

Oh Lord! The tv is out. Why of course any well prepared mother has a slew of activities in mind to challenge and educate her offspring right? Yeah, well not in this house. I don't know, there are lots of toys and things to color on (walls for example) but something happens when there is NO television. We all get a little desperate. I am desperate! A self proclaimed couch potato, I need my fix too! It's not that I even watch it that much but I need the familiar hum, the background noise, and yes - I need Spongebob too! So I foolishly thought, "Well, the internet works, maybe there is something on it for them." And low and behold! Spongebob Squarepants on NickJr.com. Hallelujah! Except, fool that I am, left them alone with the mouse and the keyboard, because GOD FORBID they could just sit and watch the silly thing like it was a tv. That is another Mom Fail to add to the list. But, note to self: when the computer is telling you it needs to run a system recovery, don't start frantically hitting the ESC button or repeatedly pressing Enter in an attempt to stop said process. Better to just leave the room and let the computer do it's thing - after all, we both know it is smarter than you.