So, I am sure today will be one of those days that will seem hilarious in 10 or 15 years but right now I could run away from home and never look back. You be the judge.
Woke up. Checked Facebook. So far so good. Got girls up, went back downstairs, got the usual breakfast request. Went to kitchen, put together some food, fed children. Nothing unusual here. Fast forward.
Now its 11:30 am, approximately 15-20 minutes before we have to leave for preschool. Get on coats, shoes, gather backpack together. Grab keys - keys? Where are the keys? Girls, have you seen the keys? What? You are pointing to the heat register that doesn't have a cover since the contractor forgot to replace it the last time he worked. No, no, nonononononononooooooo!
Okay, regroup. Girls, go upstairs to your room and play until Mama can figure this out.
Crap, cannot feel keys or bottom of vent. CRAP! Okay, better check on girls. Who are not in their room as requested...
Walk into my bedroom and what do my wondering eyes behold? Baby covered from fingertip to wrists on both hands with petroleum jelly! And it is smeared on the bed, floor, and sheets too. What The Hell?!?!?! Get your ass in the bathroom! Wait, what is that in the....SHIT! A whole toilet bowl filled with turds - and I might add, no toilet paper so...."L" get your ass in here!!!! Did you use the toilet and not wipe, AGAIN??
"No Mama" - why did I even ask? Get out of those clothes and clean your butt! Move! Now back to cleaning up the greasy ointment covered baby, wha? Hey "L"! Did you just put your naked poop covered butt on my rug??? Yep! AHHHHH! Okay, everyone into the tub!!!
At this point I don't really remember what happened since there was so much wailing, cursing, and gnashing of teeth - quite a bit of it from me I must say. And I am still not sure what to do about these girls hair, no amount of washing seems to get out the petroleum jelly. Now they just look like stringy haired waifs.
So to summarize:
Car, house, amd several other keys may or may not be lost in the heating ducts. Children are covered in a thin film of grease. We missed preschool and are trapped at home until either I tear open the wall or the keys turn up elsewhere - a possibility since you cannot trust the word of a 5 year old and the baby can barely talk at all. Again, I KNOW this will all seem hilarious at some point in the future, right?