I Guess I Hate EVERYBODY...

...Or at least that is what I am being told constantly by my 5 yr. old. According to her:

• I hate her because I make her take a time out.when she won't pick up her mess.
• I hate her because I won't let her graze through the kitchen cupboards and refrigerator.
• I hate her because I won't buy her "Megamind".
• I hate her because I make her take a bath when she would rather watch TV
• I hate her because I make her eat vegetables that she does not like.
• I hate her because I make her go to bed when she is not tired.
• I hate her because I won't let her go to school in short sleeves (it's currently 29 degrees outside).
• I hate her because I make her clean the cat litter box (okay, maybe that is a little hateful).

"I feel like you don't even CARE about me!"

Baby girl, I think I care too much. 

Am I Blowing It?

Everyone has heard that there was a time in the distant past where life was simpler, kids had manners, couples lived happily ever after...I think it might have been in a Disney flick. But seriously, even I remember as a kid I knew what I could get away with and what I could not. I might have daydreamed about my parents crying their eyes out when I was found and taken away by my REAL (royal) family or them beating themselves up when I went blind from some punishment I thought was terrifically unfair, but I never cussed my mom or slammed a door in my dad's face (until I was at least a high schooler)!

So I guess I don't know what I am doing wrong then? I don't get why my girls are so sassy and disobedient. Am I that bad of a mom? Let me tell you, aside from a few spankings, these kids worst punishment is no TV. Yet nothing seems to have a lasting impact. It's like trying to train retarded puppies. The word NO has lost it's punch a long time ago. Today I had to scream like a maniac in my driveway as the toddler went walking toward the street, but not before looking over her shoulder to give me a knowing smile. Yeah, she heard me telling her no and kept on going. Then later as I was passing out dinner dishes, the preschooler snatched her bowl out of my hand because she was mad that I was going to turn off her program. Seriously! I lost it. You would too, don't lie.

So far we've not had any trips to the principal's office, but in checking my daughters "take home" folder, there was a note regarding parent-teacher conferences. Apparently Spring conferences are voluntary so you don't need to schedule one unless you want to. Or unless the teacher specifically requests one. Guess which category we suddenly fall in?

-Mama B

It's The Very Least I Could Do

 I am living in the constant cycle of barely keeping up. I love to tackle new projects, like this blog for instance, so that I can feel like I've accomplished something today. Although in reality I have 4 or 5 blog posts that I've started but not finished....

I wonder if I could ever allow a housekeeper into my life even if I could ever afford it? I would have to clean the house first before I could let someone in to "clean my house". That sounds like the voice of insanity but I think you would agree that if you are a less than stellar homemaker, you don't want to advertise it, even to someone you pay to cover up your shortcomings.

 I have piles of laundry, a lot of which I'm not sure where it came from. No one seems to wear any of these clothes but since they have taken up residence on the basement floor, I don't have the guts to disrupt them. I'm a little afraid there is a laundry monster living in among the heaps.

 I also have a dishwasher. It doesn't work. I spend an awful lot of time washing dishes by hand. We are an eating-in-front-of-the-TV kind of family so I've found utensils and dishes in every room where there is a TV. Unfortunately we don't have a TV in the kitchen where I wash things so I spend an awful lot of time tracking down dirty dishes before they can be cleaned.

I have one crappy vacuum cleaner for a 2-story home.  It is never where I need it to be when I want to vacuum. Some days I think there might be more dirt and crumbs than carpet. I have fantasy's about getting a Dyson and a Shark Steam Mop for each level of house.

I don't even consider dusting. Please.

Oh and in case you were thinking, "God, lady! Get off of the computer and go clean something already!" Did  I forget to mention that we also have a third child? A 6 month old restaurant that we are trying to raise. When I am not there cooking and cleaning, I am at home doing it. Toss in two hyper little girls and well, you can imagine why I would feel like I'm vindicated if my house is a pit. Just please know if you pop over unexpectedly, I will turn off the lights and drop to the floor while hiding behind the front door and pretend no one is at home.

A List of Don'ts

A list. Of things a human being of reasonable intelligence would not think should have to be said aloud to another human being.

• Don't lick the cat.
• Don't ride the cat.
• Don't play in the cat's litterbox.
• Don't eat pennies you find on the ground.
• Don't eat gum you find stuck under a table.
• Don't suck on magic markers.
• Don't use the toilet as a swimming pool for your barbie.
• Don't hide banana peels under the bed.
• Don't take money from the collection basket.
• Don't draw on: the sheets, walls, the dining room table, the couch, the floor, your arms, legs, or face
• Don't eat lotion, chapstick, toothpaste, or A&D ointment
• Don't climb on the furniture, hang on the curtains, or stand on the counter-tops.
• Don't tell strangers they are fat.
• Don't graze the produce section of the grocery store while we are shopping.
• Don't bite into the big block of cheese then put it back into the refrigerator.
• Don't pick the neighbors newly planted flowers.
• Don't throw rocks at other people's cars.
• Don't lick the television screen.
• Don't pour a box of stuffing mix into Mama's nightstand.
• Don't sit on your baby sister.
• Don't use other people's toothbrush.

This is just my short list. I am sure there are many others. Let me know if you can think of any I've missed.

- Mama B

Talking to Ourselves

We are going through a phase - or maybe this is just how it is going to be. My husband and I often remark on the fact that we seem to be talking to ourselves. Even when we know we are within earshot of our daughters. Even when we are in plain view of them also. Heck, even when we are looking them square in the face and using words of just one syllable. Yet, we must be talking to ourselves since most of what we say seems to go unheard or unnoticed. Occasionally we throw out words like: cookie or movie just to make sure they understand us. I would worry that maybe the girls had a hearing problem but they have both been checked by professionals. What is worse is since neither of us are famous for our patience, talking to ourselves is more often yelling to ourselves. Someone once said to us, "at some point you just can't yell any louder". Which is true because, lately I am losing my voice. I have tried to whisper, the idea being that you lower your voice instead of yelling and the children are so surprised by this trick that they stop whatever misbehaving they are up to and strain to listen to whatever you are saying. Yeah right, that did not work. Mostly because I have to shout to be heard over the din. So the whisper technique is out. Next I tried the ignore thing. As in when they are shouting and jumping around for my attention I just sit back and wait for them to realize that no one is paying any mind to their antics so they get bored and stop. Again, yeah right. Ignoring them is just more fuel for the fire. As I am writing this and after asking them 35 times to pick up the mess they left on the floor, I have attempted all three methods again to no avail. But it was ever so delicious for me when they were surprised by the sound of their father coming home to watch them squeal and scramble to finish the job before he could see what they were up to.